Sunday, November 7, 2010

I Finally Have a Spine!

Just like the collarbone, I was able to feel my spine and backbone. It is something I had never experienced. It made me also realize that I needed to 'grow a spine' or 'have some back bone'. As an overweight person (ok, I still am) I have spent my life trying to fit in and do things so people will like me. As a general rule, people don't like FAT people they judge them. I have heard things like lazy, if you would just eat less, remember portion control, exercise more, fat people shouldn't drive small cars, you need to buy a 2nd seat for the Southwest Airlines, or my personal favorite the plus size section is over there. I myself have been guilty of those thoughts, I went to an older single activity and noticed right away that the woman were overweight and I was judging them. It shocked me to the core that I was so mean & ruthless. I was glad I didn't say anything, but thoughts lead to words and words lead to actions. I am sure that I stared and gave
'dirty & mean looks' like those same ones that still stare at me. We live in a world where we never accept others more importantly we don't accept who we are ourselves. We find that we have many imperfections that we cannot change anything. One of the biggest changes in this transformation has been the spiritual transformation. I had made a choice at age 19 to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I accepted this blessing and lived my life for the most part according to it's teachings. I was able to serve a mission, be married in the Mesa Temple, and raise my children with the love and support of wonderful church programs. I should have been happy. But life isn't always about happy. The problem was that I was just 'mormon' by appearance, go to church on Sunday and look the part don't go all in and allow the blessing of the Love of Christ to take effect in my life. As I started to change my spiritual life in November 2006,
things started to change in other aspects of my life. My friendships were becoming stronger, my love for my kids was growing, and my career was taking off. It was my marriage that was falling apart faster. So when this year started I felt lost, alone, betrayed by so may in my life, where was I to turn? I began the Nutriiveda Transformation that included working on my spirit. It was easy to do because I was already broken financially (no job), physically (weighed 343.8 Pounds), emotionally (my husband of 18+ years had left with my oldest son), and spiritually (I felt let down by my church leadership). As I started to pray with a true and earnest heart, I started to feel the Holy Ghost stronger. As I continued to go to the Temple, I started to understand God's plan for me. But I still doubted if I was loved by God. Yes, I was seeing incredible blessings in my life, but couldn't believed that I was loved by God, because my life was so messed up. But I was
surviving (you might have to ask my friends if I was really surviving). My kids were surviving (maybe physically, they were broken as well emotionally). I still had doubts and questions, so I turned to my friends and asked them about their thoughts on God. The answers were so helpful. But the question asked by 1 friend hit me to the core, because it was what I was thinking. The question was "Did you become LDS when you got married?" Even though that answer was NO, it made me question even stronger what I believed. I knew I needed the answer and as a WISE woman said this "sometimes there are questions that only YOU can answer. I feel that maybe it is time for DEB to find out. How I wish I could answer your questions and have them resolved...I can't...but the Lord and you can....find him....ask him...look inside and trust yourself no matter what YOU decide" This played on my mind and over and over again! (I was grateful that it was General Conference
Weekend, because I couldn't go to church with all these doubts) I knew where I needed to go and where I would find my answer. I wanted to know with all my heart if I was a Daughter of God, loved by an Heavenly Parents. In the Bible, James 1:5 it says -"If you lack wisdom as of God, and he will give you the answer". I had asked God before about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, if Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints was Christ True church on the earth today and I was told thru the Holy Ghost. Yes it is true ! But I had never asked if I had any devine worth, was I really a special person with heavenly parents who loved me?. I was texting a friend and I came up with a spiritual challenge, Read the Book of Mormon & Attend the temple once a week,by January 4, 2011 (my 42nd Birthday) that gave us 92 days to achieve this goal. (i asked 3 friends to join with me, and I grateful for those miracles in their
life already) If after that time if I still felt nothing, then I needed to look for a different spiritual option, for my life. I fasted and prayed to know! The lord has given me the answer so clearly. Not only thru friends whose testimony scares me, but thru love example of walking at the track, thru talks given in church, thru job interviews, thru great primary leadership. But also thru music. (Jericho Road) They have 2 songs that "what his love is for" and "love will find you there" These were not just chance happened they were hand of God in my life. I was told "Seeing is believing, NO! When you Believe it, then you will see it!!" I had believed I could lose the weight and did. I needed to believe in me!
As I doubted what I knew all along, just as my kids sometimes don't think I love them because I make them do chores, take their medicine when sick, do their homework, or have manners. It is the with my Heavenly Father and me, just because these things happen doesn't mean I am not loved, that I don't have greatness built inside of me, just because of who I am! A Daughter of a Loving God who believes in me enough to send my older brother to Earth to suffer and die for my mistakes, my hurts, my broken hearts, my losses, and my failures. Because he believes in my success as a person, as a mother, as a child, and as his daughter.
This is why I finally have a spine and backbone! I have great things to accomplish and I cannot do it without being 100% obedient.